Filed under: Humour
Car companies live or die by the strength of their brands. It's the reason Audi produces the R8 and, more successfully, Aston does the Cygnet.
But what if you love Audi but can't afford an R8, or love Aston Martin but can't think of even one reason to buy a Cygnet?
Branded merchandise, that's what if. Nothing says "I'm a phenomenal person" like wearing or using something with a car company's name on it, or with some sort of link to cars in general. Nothing. So, we've pooled together some of the very greatest automotive-inspired accessories for your perusal, with links and everything, so you can buy them for someone
Ferrari keyring
The Ferrari House of Rubbish Merchandise has been open for many years, swelling monthly to include ever more trinkets of superfluous tackiness. We could dedicate an entire series to Ferrari stuff, but we've chosen this because it encapsulates everything that's wrong with Ferrari-branded stuff. "Whoah, dude, you got a Ferrari?" they'll ask. "Nah, just this keyring. I use it for the van keys. It did cost £124 quid, though."
"You're two times an idiot."
Choclolate road signs
Who among us doesn't love a good road sign? And who among us doesn't love cheap chocolate? So put those two things together and you have the best way we can think of to spend £10. It'll have Boxing Day in your house sewn up: lay out two parallel rows of caramel barrels, stand a few noisette triangles up at either side, then stick a couple of these road signs at each end of the row. What have you just made? A Quality Street. Boom!
Gear stick bottle stop
The genius of the gearstick bottle stop is that it looks like a gearstick, but it works like a cork. If only someone would invent a gearstick that looks like a wine bottle. That someone would find themselves very wealthy come next Christmas. Fact.
Car thong
If Sisqo was an accountant and was speccing up his new company car, this would be the first box he'd tick on the options list. Dumps like a truck.
Truck Nutz
Seriously. You can't make this up.
Lamborghini paperweight
It's disconcerting that this £120 Lamborghini paperweight is the perfect shape for a murder weapon. That's obviously not what you'll use it for though. No, you'll wait until everyone's left the office, pull your MarioKart steering wheel from your desk drawer and get to work racing the other Lambo drivers in your brainbox. Your office papers will be at risk of moving slightly during the experience, but it'll be so worth it.
Scuderia Ferrari eau de toilette
We don't know what Scuderia Ferrari smells like. We don't care. But the problem with wearing Scuderia Ferrari aftershave is that, inevitably, someone will ask you what smell you're wearing, to which you'll have to reply, "em, it's Ferrari."
Instantly, any credibility you once had will tank, and the sensory inquisitor will forever replace their mental image of you for one of Alan Partridge.
Tax disc cufflinks
You're at your Christmas party. You're looking dapper. The ladies have noticed. You've noticed that the ladies have noticed. So you skulk over to Doreen from payroll, tell her you think she looks lovely without her readers on, and put your hand out to embrace her...
Something catches her eye. "What are those?" she asks. "Oh, they're my cufflinks," you reply. "They're tax discs. You know, like what you have to get for a car to prove you've paid your annual VED."
Awkward silence. You've failed.
Car 'boo-boo'
Basically a giant Elastoplast, this sticky accessory is for the "I'm dead kooky, me" sort of driver. Has some fool opened his car door onto yours and dinged it? Why bother getting it fixed when you can, for four quid, stick this hilarious plaster over it. Or, you could use it as an actual plaster if you have a particularly nasty fall onto errant barbed wire during the Christmas party.
Ghetto car poster
Hang on, why have we included this? It's awesome. Buy one now.
Car bath bombs
Bath bombs are for girls, so bath bombs shaped like a car are like spanners shaped like eyelash curlers.
USB key
"I love you and you love cars, so I've bought you a USB stick that's loosely the shape of a key. You could use it to keep pictures of cars in, then whenever you're near a computer you could pull it out and look at those pictures."
"Lovely, thanks. Here's that iPad you wanted...I'm leaving you."
Car headlight eyelashes
Amazon says that customers who bought this also bought an Amazon Kindle. Lies. Customers who bought this also bought a balaclava to cover their shame.
Disclaimer: the above is all a joke. You want to smell like a Ferrari, or keep your photos on a car key USB, or have a car with eyelashes, or a Lamborghini paperweight, or novelty cufflinks...good for you. We hope you enjoy them. Really, we do. Or if you manufacture any of this stuff, again, just a jape - all publicity, and all that. Merry Christmas everyone!